This story, has a fairytale ending, just not quite the one expected. My story, doesn’t end amazingly with that “rainbow” baby.  And, as hard as it has been, it’s actually okay.  I am okay.  Though my time was short with my two babies, it’s still an honor to know I am their mama. I know, they are both looking down, wanting me to be happy.  So, here I am.  Actually happy.

My story starts pretty similar to many.  As a child, most all girls wants to be a mommy.  I was always a mommy when we played house.  As the story goes, I grew up, went to college, met an amazing man, got married, and we both, wanted children.   We decided to start trying for children a few years after getting married, as we wanted to establish our careers and home together.  Little did we know, this would send us on a journey of pain, heartache, and seclusion we had never expected.

I got pregnant within just a few months of trying.  That first positive pregnancy test that I had hoped for, for so long, was in my hand.  And that’s just where the excitement begins.  I’d like to say, that this dream of being mama came true, but only after a few short weeks, my dream was crushed.  I started bleeding.  And, as being a nurse, I knew that is never good in an early pregnancy. My heart pounded as we drove to the ER.  I couldn’t say a word almost the whole ride there.  I had hoped and prayed, for good words after the ultrasound.  “I am sorry; the baby is gone.”  My heart broke, and the tears wouldn’t stop rolling off of my eyelids.  All I could think about to myself was, “What did I do wrong?  How could this be happening to me?”  My gut was tied in knots, and when we had been given our discharge paperwork, we left our dream in that room.  Hubby asked me, “are you okay?”  And my response, “ya, I’ll be fine.” 

Right at that time, I wasn’t.  But what I didn’t realize is this pain and heartache, and hope for what could have been, doesn’t go away.  I just couldn’t understand why. “Why did God take my baby?  Why can’t having a baby be easy for me? “ At that time, I tried piecing apart a loss and trying to hold myself together, when all you hear is, “God must have needed that baby more than you.”  Or, “Oh honey, you are still young, it will happen.”  Sometimes those words of encouragement just break you more.  I struggled every single day.  Seeing another mom in Target, walking past the baby section in a store, or a new baby at the clinic. This.  This was hard.  This is what we lived, for so long.   I wasn’t good at sharing my feelings at the time, but I had this idea in my head that I needed to be strong.  I’m a nurse, and I know things go wrong.  I kept my nurse hat on for a very long time. I felt I had to be strong for Scott.  He didn’t need to see me weak and crying over something that we “never had”.

Surprisingly enough, we got pregnant again three months later.  From that first moment I saw “positive” on that pregnancy test, I tip toed with caution.  I didn’t want what happened last time to happen again.  I scheduled my first OB visit early, to confirm and verify that things were okay.  Yet, after weekly ultrasounds, the report of our very last, was no heartbeat.  I had felt this in my heart before going to the visit.  I knew my little was gone already.  I felt helpless.  I felt empty.  I felt alone.  Again.

I felt like I needed to not talk about losing my babies.  Society didn’t respond well to talking about serious things, sad things, and well, loss.  I was stuck in my own head.  I felt so alone.  I had no one to talk to about my pain.  At the time, not many of my friends had any clue what was going on, and those that did, continued to say, just the things that would send my heart into a spiral.  I felt like society was telling me, “buck up buttercup”.

It has been many years now, since I lost our babies.  My dreams of being a mother were crushed twice, in a short time and yet the struggle continued.  We continued trying for a baby, for years but, we never got pregnant again.  The heartbreaking two week cycles, the medications for fertility, the doctors visits, had become too much for the both of us.  It was years and years of hoping and wishing and not understanding why.  WHY ME?!  WHY US?! I was mad at God. I couldn’t get passed the empty feeling I had and wondering what my purpose in this life was.  I would ask, over and over, “IF MY PURPOSE ON THIS EARTH ISN’T MEANT TO BE A MOM, THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT??!!” 

Lots followed in the following ten years.  I continued being mad.  I was still sad and my heart was still broken.  We stayed the course of our relationship, but not without troubles.  Much was stemming back to the loss and the frustration associated with it. 

All of that questioning went away once I had the opportunity to go on a mission trip.  I was able to use my nursing skills at a girl’s school in Kenya about four years ago.  The stories from the girls, and the pain and suffering that they had gone through was heartbreaking.  Living in poverty, being abused, being hungry, and them not having anything was so hard to see.  These girls, had faith.  They showed me faith again.  After all they had been through, they still had faith in Him, and were still so thankful for all of the blessings they were given.  The girls at the school were given a home, education, food and faith in their time there.  They were the ones that opened my eyes. They showed me my purpose.  They were the ones who taught me to be thankful for everything I had.  At that very moment, in a small little shack in Naivasha Kenya, I realized my purpose.  My purpose wasn’t meant to be a mom.  My purpose was to be the person I already was.  I was doing my purpose this whole time!  I was meant to be a nurse, a wife, a sister, a friend, an auntie.  I had overlooked my true purpose in life after being so set on being a mom, for so many years. 

My outlook on my life has changed.  And the past four years have allowed me, to be me.   I love life again.  My focus changed from “what I don’t have” to “what I do have”. I realized my life is too short to be stuck in the past of “what ifs and maybes” to “let me live and enjoy life”.  I get to spend my days being a  nurse  and doing what I love.   I get to spend my days with my best friend, my husband, on this amazing journey called life! I know in my heart, my babies are still with me.  My babies still play a big part in my life.  They led me on this journey to find myself.  Without them, I wouldn’t have found myself.  I wouldn’t have found my joy. 

You can still find joy after loss.