I have debated telling my story for awhile, just because it didn’t feel as “valid” as other mom’s stories of loss. But I’m hoping maybe my story will bring some sort of comfort or understanding to another struggling mama.

I found out I was pregnant with my second baby and second pregnancy when I was 5 weeks along. I just knew I was pregnant so it wasn’t a huge surprise. We were trying and tracking my cycle closely at the time. It happened so quickly and easily within a few months of trying. My husband and I were ecstatic. We had already talked about what life would be like with two kids, wondering if it was a girl or a boy, who would they look like, and what would we name them. We talked about all of the fun and exciting things that come with a pregnancy. Everything went as expected until I was about 8 weeks along when I experienced some bleeding. I didn’t feel that I was bleeding. I just noticed blood after I went to the bathroom. I immediately panicked and dread set in. I started shaking and sobbing in our bathroom. My heart sank and I just had this feeling that it wasn’t going to be okay. My best friend took my one year old at the time and my husband went with me to the ER. They couldn’t confirm anything at that time. All they could do was draw my blood to check my HCG levels and said to have them rechecked in two days. All I could do was sit and wait. I felt like my life became consumed by my fears and anxiety those two days. I continued to bleed and it only got heavier. I went back to the doctor after two days and they drew my blood again. My doctor called me at home to let me know my HCG levels had dropped and I lost the baby. I continued to bleed heavier and at one point I noticed some tissue came out as well. That’s when I knew I had lost the baby for sure. I was terrified every time I went to the bathroom and cried every time I saw more blood.

I felt a lot of sadness and shame. I felt as though I had done something wrong to cause the miscarriage. I felt like something was wrong with me and I was a bad person for losing my baby. I just remember feeling so alone and so sad for a long time. Experiencing loss is so hard, on any scale. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself that my feeling were valid and although I had only known about this baby for a few weeks, I loved that baby. Not only is loss hard, but your following pregnancy, if you’re lucky enough to have one, is almost equally as hard.

I was extremely blessed with my second healthy baby almost a year later. That entire pregnancy, I was terrified every time I went to the bathroom that I would see blood. I would dread every doctors appointment because I thought they would tell me they couldn’t hear a heartbeat. If I went too long without feeling her kick, I would panic. I also told my husband we couldn’t pick out names or buy anything for the baby until I was far enough along that the risk of miscarriage was at its lowest. I didn’t want to get too attached to a pregnancy and baby again. Along with that came guilt. I felt guilty for not feeling as excited and I felt guilty for feeling excited and happy about the pregnancy when I had just lost one. It felt like I wasn’t honoring that previous baby that I lost. I am so lucky to say that my story had a happy ending and I have two amazing kids. I don’t ever take a single day with them for granted. And I often wonder what my other baby would have been like. I think of the other baby often. I almost feel as though it’s silly to keep talking about the loss and the baby, but the bond between a mom and baby is like no other. My family members don’t understand it as they haven’t experienced loss before. So I often keep my thoughts to myself. This is the first time I’m telling my story and it’s been really therapeutic for me honestly. My goal in sharing my story is that the right person sees it and feels less alone.

I have debated telling my story for awhile, just because it didn’t feel as “valid” as other mom’s stories of loss. But I’m hoping maybe my story will bring some sort of comfort or understanding to another struggling mama.

I found out I was pregnant with my second baby and second pregnancy when I was 5 weeks along. I just knew I was pregnant so it wasn’t a huge surprise. We were trying and tracking my cycle closely at the time. It happened so quickly and easily within a few months of trying. My husband and I were ecstatic. We had already talked about what life would be like with two kids, wondering if it was a girl or a boy, who would they look like, and what would we name them. We talked about all of the fun and exciting things that come with a pregnancy. Everything went as expected until I was about 8 weeks along when I experienced some bleeding. I didn’t feel that I was bleeding. I just noticed blood after I went to the bathroom. I immediately panicked and dread set in. I started shaking and sobbing in our bathroom. My heart sank and I just had this feeling that it wasn’t going to be okay. My best friend took my one year old at the time and my husband went with me to the ER. They couldn’t confirm anything at that time. All they could do was draw my blood to check my HCG levels and said to have them rechecked in two days. All I could do was sit and wait. I felt like my life became consumed by my fears and anxiety those two days. I continued to bleed and it only got heavier. I went back to the doctor after two days and they drew my blood again. My doctor called me at home to let me know my HCG levels had dropped and I lost the baby. I continued to bleed heavier and at one point I noticed some tissue came out as well. That’s when I knew I had lost the baby for sure. I was terrified every time I went to the bathroom and cried every time I saw more blood.

I felt a lot of sadness and shame. I felt as though I had done something wrong to cause the miscarriage. I felt like something was wrong with me and I was a bad person for losing my baby. I just remember feeling so alone and so sad for a long time. Experiencing loss is so hard, on any scale. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself that my feeling were valid and although I had only known about this baby for a few weeks, I loved that baby. Not only is loss hard, but your following pregnancy, if you’re lucky enough to have one, is almost equally as hard.

I was extremely blessed with my second healthy baby almost a year later. That entire pregnancy, I was terrified every time I went to the bathroom that I would see blood. I would dread every doctors appointment because I thought they would tell me they couldn’t hear a heartbeat. If I went too long without feeling her kick, I would panic. I also told my husband we couldn’t pick out names or buy anything for the baby until I was far enough along that the risk of miscarriage was at its lowest. I didn’t want to get too attached to a pregnancy and baby again. Along with that came guilt. I felt guilty for not feeling as excited and I felt guilty for feeling excited and happy about the pregnancy when I had just lost one. It felt like I wasn’t honoring that previous baby that I lost. I am so lucky to say that my story had a happy ending and I have two amazing kids. I don’t ever take a single day with them for granted. And I often wonder what my other baby would have been like. I think of the other baby often. I almost feel as though it’s silly to keep talking about the loss and the baby, but the bond between a mom and baby is like no other. My family members don’t understand it as they haven’t experienced loss before. So I often keep my thoughts to myself. This is the first time I’m telling my story and it’s been really therapeutic for me honestly. My goal in sharing my story is that the right person sees it and feels less alone.

– Hunter Ramspacher