October of 2021, I was diagnosed with endometriosis after seeing 3 different doctors to figure out why I was in so much pain, being called a hypochondriac when I could barely walk from pain or them just blaming it on my birth control. One specialist finally gave me answers. With our new diagnosis we decided to make the decision to try for kids with my time now being limited depending on how the endometriosis progresses.
In January of 2022 we were blessed with the news that we were expecting our first. Our due date was October 23rd of 2022. We were excited, nervous and scared altogether, but grateful we were able to conceive so easily after having the cysts and endometriosis removed months earlier. During my first trimester I had bleeding between 8-12 weeks. Deep down I had this dreading feeling knowing something was wrong and that what I saw on my 7 week ultrasound was the truth, the ultrasound tech didn’t see what I saw or at least they didn’t say anything. As our 21 week ultrasound arrived, we found out our little one had a clubfoot, that it can be fixed over time with surgery. We also found out I had synechiae, or lines/shelves in my amniotic fluid. I got referred to a specialty ultrasound place in the cities and at 24 weeks & 4 days we made the trip.
This is when we found out our little River had a fraternal twin keeping him company in the first trimester, we lost it without knowing. But I truly knew we had lost one, that gut feeling that was with me during those first 12 weeks. That is what the bleeding I was experiencing was, a miscarriage.
At 24 weeks and 4 days we were told another sac was getting absorbed, vanishing twin syndrome.
We got no answers from doctors on what caused this or why. We did not know what vanishing twin syndrome was.
My research over the years lead me to understand that Vanishing Twin Syndrome is only in about 30% of twin pregnancies. The lost twin is referred to a Sunset twin, my survivor twin is my Sunrise twin. Vanishing Twin Syndrome can cause premature birth, low birth weight and placenta problems. I did not know any of this prior to having my son, I did the research over the last 3 years to find more answers. No doctors told me anything that this indeed is considered a miscarriage and can lead to certain complications with the surviving twin.
At 28 weeks & 4 days I ruptured prematurely, waking up not knowing if your baby was okay or not. Spending 3 days in labor & bleeding with monitors, two IVs, medications, booster shots to help him develop quicker and the worst case scenarios thrown at you. Not knowing if its going to go south and we both could be lost or not. Come 29 weeks our doctor came in and asked “when did you eat last” & “im prepping the surgical team”. Being prepped within 45 minutes for a c-section, getting a spinal tap 3 times before they would administer the epidural. My arms shaking uncontrollably from shock and adrenaline while on the operating table. Seeing my baby for 20 seconds before he was whisked away, not knowing what was in store for him. Finding out I had placenta abruption and there was blood pooling behind the placenta. Being told that the doctor was “glad to make the right call just in time”, that if they waited any longer one of us could have been lost or Anthony wouldnt have been present to see his son enter this world. That I could’ve been alone through it. Having to wait hours before I could be brought to see him in his NICU room, the tears shed when seeing him on monitors, confined in an incubator. Being told in the following weeks that you can only hold your baby for an hour, 2 times a day, trying to heal while staying by your childs bedside. But also trying to not feel guilty leaving to get sleep or fresh air. 7 long weeks by his side, struggling with post-partum due to not being able to care for my child as a mother. Just helping the nurses, feeling like I am not doing enough and feeling isolated. The emotions and feelings of birth trauma aren’t talked about enough and others who have gone through birth trauma before your not alone and it helps to talk about it. Its not just about “at least you have a healthy baby”, its about what strengths and your weakest times that got you there. Others didn’t see what I went through only the end result. I know I “had” others to talk to but not everybody understands, I had to take care of me and process it on my own. If you have experienced birth trauma or infant loss your not alone. October is infant loss awareness month and this is my story.
Pictured below are Sydnee and River. The purple butterfly symbolizes the loss of a twin during pregnancy or birth. It allows awareness and recognition of an experience that can be otherwise unseen. The photos below are a part of our Remembrance Storytelling portrait movement by our Founder Nina Pleshe with Sunshine Soul Lifestyle by Nina Brooke.
