My daughter’s name is Kaitlyn Lee Walker. She was born on November 27th, 2002. She died February 20th, 2006.

Kaitlyn’s death began with her birth. I discovered I was pregnant in early 2002. The news was unexpected but not unwelcome. My boyfriend, Charlie had 2 little boys from a previous relationship but Kaitlyn would be my first child. I had days filled with wonder as my body shifted to accommodate the new life growing inside me. I will never forget the first flutters of movement or the joy of seeing her tiny feet press from my inside out. I read everything I could to be able to do my best by her. There were no issues with my pregnancy.

November 2002 arrived and with that, my due date came and went. I grew restless and uncomfortable. I started experiencing horrible back pain. We visited the hospital and  learned that the pain was labor. We made a few trips  back and forth to the hospital but I was never dilated and would be sent home.

On November 26th, I expelled what would be my mucus plug (I was unsure if that was what it was at the time). I called the hospital and we were told to come in. Upon arrival, I was finally dilated! …..at 2. My family and friends arrived to be with Charlie and myself. Contractions were a smidge unpleasant.(they were excruciating).

Moving forward to the next day:  November 27th, 2002. I continued to be in labor. I was given Pitocin to assist with dilation. I dilated further. I had the privilege of climbing my exhausted body up onto a ball to try to aid in progressing my labor. They lost Kaitlyn’s heartbeat. I was taken off the ball and given oxygen. I was told her stats returned to normal. Sometime in the early evening, my doctor told my Mom and other family that I was fully dilated and it was time to deliver.

Charlie, my Mom, my Aunt Patty, my Aunt Sandy, my sister Sarah and my sister Katie were all in the room  along with the medical team, with more family and friends out on the maternity floor while I was in active labor. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I felt a whoosh and there she was. At  8:02 p.m. Kaitlyn Lee Walker entered this world. And what should have been the happiest day of my life took a turn. They announced Kaitlyn was a girl. I was filled with immense love and happiness. Then I realized she wasn’t crying. The medical team moved her away from where I laid  and I asked my Mom, “Why isn’t she crying?” Someone said that sometimes babies don’t cry. That was wrong. Healthy babies cried. They said to clear the room. Charlie was crying. My baby wasn’t in my arms. My doctor stood between where I was and wherre the medical team were with Kaitlyn. My doctor stood frozen. I knew I  had the afterbirth to deliver. My doctor finally attended to me but said nothing.

A short time later, a pediatrician informed us that Kaitlyn had been “knocked out” in the birth canal and had suffered lack of oxygen. He told us that the hospital wasn’t equipped to handle this emergency and that LifeFlight was on it’s way. Charlie wheeled me down to see Kaitlyn in the nursery. I held her tiny hand while friends and family looked on from outside. LifeFlight would transfer Kaitlyn to a  bigger hospital 80 miles away. My family decided that my Mom and sister Sarah would travel to be there for Kaitlyn while Charlie, family, and friends remained behind with me.

November 28th, 2002 was Thanksgiving. My Dad, Charlie, sister Katie, and myself travelled to the hospital where Kaitlyn was after I was cleared for release.

Kaitlyn spent 3 weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. We were told that she had suffered brain damage from the lack of oxygen. This is called Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy. We met with a myriad of specialists over this time. The Neurologist attending to Kaitlyn’s case said that her brain damage could be as little as some motor delays or as great as having Cerebral Palsy. There was a computer in the waiting room where I both researched what the doctors shared as well as created a CaringBridge website to update family and friends. I couldn’t have known then that the website I created would journal Kaitlyn’s short life.

The final week that Kaitlyn spent in the NICU, she had an MRI done. Charlie and I stood by Kaitlyn as the Neurologist shared that Kaitlyn had suffered global brain damage. He told us that it was very unlikely that Kaitlyn would ever walk, talk, see or hear.

Kaitlyn was released home on December 13th, 2002. From that day until February 20th, 2006 she accumulated diagnoses, doctors, therapists and more. We lived through innumerable hospitalizations. On October 16th, 2004 our son Logan entered this world. Due to the circumstances regarding Kaitlyn’s birth, I refused Pitocin. I had a C-section with Charlie by my side while my Mom, sisters, our friend Tina, and Kaitlyn waited. Logan adored Kaitlyn. He was eager to be next to her and I often felt he wss “chatting” with her.

February 2006, Charlie and myself along with Kaitlyn, Logan, and my Mom traveled to the cities for Kaitlyn to undergo a Gall Bladder removal surgeryv as well as a Nissan Fundoplication. Kaitlyn persevered coming through the surgeryies with flying colors and surprising her medical team. Charlie, Logan, my Mom and I suffered an illness that week. We were all exhausted. Kaitlyn was released home on Friday February 17th.

We had a low key weekend at home. It was Charlie, Logan, Kaitlyn and myself. We wanted the opportunity to regroup from everything we experienced the week prior.

Monday was February 20th, 2006.

Kaitlyn had been awake when I had checked on her overnight. Her bright blue eyes were aware. That Monday morning I entered the room she shared with Logan. Logan was awake while Kaitlyn remained asleep. I changed Logan’s diaper and brought him downstairs to have breakfast. I returned upstairs to check in on Kaitlyn. Her coloring was wrong and she was making odd gasping noises. I woke Charlie and told him that something was wrong. I called my parents to see if they could watch Logan for us while we took Kaitlyn to the ER. It was assumed that Kaitlyn had a touch of whatever we were afflicted with while in the cities. We started getting Logan ready when Kaitlyn looked worse. I called 9-1-1. I got emotional and Charlie took over the call. Charlie was outside starting our car while I was with Kaitlyn. Every sickness abd hospitalization, I had told her to fight. This time i told her, “Kaitlyn, if you can’t do this, Mommy understands.” The paramedics arrived and asked us if Kaitlyn was DNR/DNI. As soon as I said she was full resuscitation, she stopped breathing. They used oxygen from her concentrator to assist their efforts. Always a hard draw for an iv, they were unable to find a vein. Using emergency measures, they prepared Kaitlyn for transport. Charlie followed the ambulance as I stayed behind to find care for Logan. A police officer waited with me. I called my parents and told ny Mom what had happened. Charlie called and said that they hadn’t  gotten Kaitlyn to breatbe. My Mom arrived and my sister Sarah cared for Logan as my Mom and I left for the hospital.

Upon arriving at the ER, we stated who we were and why we were there. They led us back toward rooms, at which time, Charlie exited a room and walked towards us.  He was crying. My Mom asked, “DIdn’t she make it?” and he shook his head no. I walked to the room Charlie had exited to see my little girl. I kissed her cheeks a final time and told her I loved her.

That moment will have happened 20 years ago this coming February. There isn’t a day  that I am unaware of her absence. People say things like “Time heals all wounds.” Time changes you but the grief is endless. It will be with me until I am with Kaitlyn.

***The photos below are a part of our Remembrance Storytelling portrait movement by our Founder Nina Pleshe with Sunshine Soul lifestyle by nina brooke. Jess is pictured with her son Logan and photos of Kaitlyn. The caricature is very special and from Kaitlyn’s Make a Wish day with her parents at Valleyfair.***